Be The Parent (part 2)
Seven Choices You Can Make To Raise Great Kids

by Kendra Smiley

The First Choice You Can Make To Raise Great Kids
CHOOSE TO BE THE PARENT

In the last e-newsletter, we discussed the first two points to help you Be The Parent.

1.) Admit it when there is a problem in need of a solution.
2.) Build your confidence

Subsequently, we're going to cover the next three points:

3.) See the vision

Let me share the vision my husband and I had for each one of our sons. We wanted to help
our children "sing the song God put inside of them." This is the type of overarching goal or vision any parent can adopt. How can you do this? Find out where God is working in your child's life. What skills, interests and abilities has He given your son or daughter? Identify these and get in step to enhance them and to help your child "sing his song".

Each one of our sons was very different. We had to listen to their dreams, their fears, and their ideas -- starting when they were very young. Listening takes time -- time alone with each child and time together as a family. We took the time to work together and to play together. But it isn't just time; it's listening too. You must listen as your child expresses himself. Too many times parent-child dialogue is actually parent-driven monologue. And usually that monologue sounds like a list of do's and don'ts, like an instruction manual -- "Don't do that. Do this." We already live in a noisy world. You will have to make a conscious choice to listen to your child.

4.) Develop a plan.

In a perfect world, your parents gave you a good supply of parenting tools to use with your own children. Maybe your spouse's parents did the same. It is possible that you both feel well equipped. After all, look at how delightful you two turned out! :-) However, even if both of you had positive, confident, proactive parents, you bring different biases and routines into your new family. I'm guessing that your two families of origin, the families where you and your spouse were raised, did some things differently.

Are you aware of the definition of "normal"? It is whatever YOUR family did (regardless of how bizarre it might have been). You and your spouse bring two different "normals" that will contribute to the creation of the new "normal" for your family unit. (Which, by the way, someday your child's spouse will question, "You think that is normal?")

Furthermore, your parents did not raise this child of yours...this unique individual who God has given you. All that is to say that whether or not the parenting you and your spouse received was superlative, you still need to be proactive and have a plan to help your child develop into a responsible adult with well-placed priorities. Here's how to help your child "sing his song":

-Give your child the opportunity to know Jesus.

You can be intentional in seeing that the child in your home develops a relationship with Christ -- and the sooner the better. No parent can make a child accept Christ as his or her Savior. There are, however, certain things a parent can do that can encourage that personal decision.
First of all, your commitment to Christ is of utmost importance. Your child is watching you and listening too. Even when your child is young, he will be deciding if you are the "real deal". This shouldn't panic you, and this is not a call to perfection. It is a reflection of the attitude of your heart. If having your child know Christ is truly important to you, this will be reflected in your behavior.

Be sure to find a church where the Gospel is preached, children are loved, and Christian growth is encouraged. Then joyfully engage in opportunities to serve as individuals and as a family.

-Teach your child to obey.

Teaching your child to obey you and helping him realize there are consequences for disobedience are two things that are essential. These will encourage your child's ability and willingness to obey God. This is the essence of choosing to “Be the Parent.”

A parent understands that boundaries are important. God gives us boundaries -- not to fence us in -- to protect us from the perils outside of the parameters. Your responsibility as the parent is to determine -- and reinforce -- those boundaries.

Part of developing the plan is sticking to a routine. Children thrive on routine. In one sense, routine provides boundaries. Your child needs a consistent schedule. What time does his day begin? When is bedtime? Mealtime is another activity that needs to be predictable. Putting your child on a schedule, creating those boundaries, has many benefits. Routine provides assurance of parental care. "I know we will be having lunch at noon...I know Mommy and Daddy put me to bed at 8:00 pm each evening...We do this every day." There is a feeling of safety with boundaries.

And there is also freedom. A child who realizes where the boundaries are located, and heeds them, is able to run free within those boundaries. A child without reinforced boundaries does not have the freedom or safety he needs. Boundaries are no limited to routines. As the parent, you need to communicate to your child the acceptable behavior for various settings -- church, the grocery store, the automobile, to name a few. There are boundaries in regard to certain people groups. What is the appropriate response to a teacher, a babysitter, a grandparent? When your child knows the boundaries and you have reinforced the appropriate behavior of staying within those boundaries, he can be confident in those settings. He knows what is expected and what to expect from you.

Many times kids act up to get attention. Even if the attention is negative, they have decided it is better than being ignored. Be sure you are giving your child the attention and positive reinforcement that he needs. Our mom with the anti-car-seat son will want to be sure her son:

-Complies with the order she has given, and then...
-Is rewarded with as much positive attention as Mom can safely give as they head down the highway

Active parenting is important as your child relates to you within the boundaries. Let me give you another example. Since we started with the grocery store, let's continue there. When you are shopping with your child, do not ignore him. Include him in the process. It is not all about efficiency. It is about having positive interaction with your child. The grocery store can be an adventure in learning and in enjoying one another. For example, you can ask a child for help in finding a particular product. I said "finding a product" not pulling it off of the shelf. Your child should not take anything from a shelf or a display unless you have asked him to do so. When he follows your instruction, he is your helper not a hindrance.

In an age-appropriate fashion, you can talk about the various food products and nutrition and agriculture and more. The possibilities for learning are limitless! Your child is getting attention within prescribed boundaries, and you are enjoying your child AND getting the grocery shopping finished with a smile on your face.

Being the parent means teaching your child to obey. That is not being cruel. It is being Biblical, knowing that with obedience comes freedom. Let me say it one more time. Being the parent means teaching your child to obey.

If you make a commitment to these two objectives, to giving your child the opportunity to know Jesus and to teaching him to obey, you will be well on your way to success as a parent. Those are a part of the plan.

Now you have seen for of the actions steps. You understand how important it is to: Step 1 - Admit it when a problem exists; Step 2 - Build your confidence; Step 3 - See the vision; Step 4 - Develop a plan. There is only one more step.

5.) Know you will make mistakes, and keep on learning.

There is no perfect parent. In fact, if you ask any seasoned parent, "Did you always make the right choices?" the honest ones will have to admit that many of their good choices were the result of experience gained from making poor ones. We made mistakes on parenting. You have made mistakes on parenting. That is OK. Do not let those mistakes paralyze you.

Being the parent will allow you the opportunity to make mistakes and to ask for forgiveness. The idea is NOT to repeat the same mistakes over and over. To learn as a parent means a change of behavior. The goal is to keep learning and becoming a better parent. And to accomplish that you much “Choose to Be The Parent!”

If you'd like to order our Parenting Foundation kit, which contains the book Your Heritage, the book Be The Parent, the book Aaron's Way and a 60 minute audio CD called Introduction to Heritage Builders and Family Nights, click below. The retail value of this kit is $44.96. However, we're offering it to you for just $34.99 (a 22% savings)! This kit is not available anywhere else.