A Former Bully becomes a Parent

Bullies at the school playground have been around since the first recess bell rang. You probably still remember the name of a bully you had in elementary school many years ago. You're probably still mad about it even at your class reunions! One of our Heritage Builders employees admits that he used to be a bully of the worst kind. When the bus would stop and let a girl named Sue off at her house, he'd open the window and yell "Suey! Suey!". She was a bit plump and he yelled it like he was calling to the pigs in the pigpen. "Suey! Suey!" He hasn't seen this girl in over 20 years, but he still remembers doing it day after day after day.

A few years back, he became a Christian and asked forgiveness for this. When I heard him sharing this story and how remorseful he was, I couldn't help but think of the many parents who continually say things to their children that are hurtful and damaging. In effect, they are trying to steer their kids down the right path by using the approach that bullies use. While this parenting approach might work in the short term, in the long term it will create scorn and bitterness in the child. If your guilty of this style, you can change!

In the last newsletter, we gave you the first two guidelines when affirming your child. They are:

1.) Learn to use phrases that foster family connection

2.) Use the power of touch

Today we continue with three more guidelines:

3.) Major on positive reinforcement
Each of us will collect negative reinforcement in our walk through every day in the big bad world. Home should be the place to balance experience with positive reinforcement. Use uplifting phrases when you catch your child doing something right, or want to help when he has made a mistake:

"I trust you."
"You are first in my book."
"You will give it your best, I'm sure."
"Follow your dreams."
"I will support you in your efforts."
"You may be down now, but I know you won't stay there."

Some parents jam verbal reinforcements with sarcasm. Sarcasm as humor has its place, we suppose, but should be used sparingly and carefully. Overuse can cause damage when sarcasm becomes a habit. It can be hard for a child to rise above its negative tone. Frequently, sarcasm is the saccharin of communication in family -- a substitute for the real thing. It may be palatable and seem jovial at first, but frequently leaves a bitter aftertaste. It can make a child feel insecure, then makes it easy for him to retort with sarcasm because it contains a rebellious edge. Positive, uplifting phrases become a conversational model for children to follow that makes them feel good.

4.) Communicate clearly
When affirming, over communicate! Performing solo on the platform for the first time was a frightening experience. I was sure that I wore a smiling, pleasant countenance, but when I watched a video of the performance, I saw what everyone else did. I had a smile on the inside, but an apathetic, or should I say, pathetic look outside. I quickly learned to over communicate positive feelings through my facial expressions. Then enthusiasm came across to the audience. In a similar manner, we may feel we are communicating, but our message never reaches others. Speak clearly, with more emotion than seems needed, to make sure those you love know your deep feelings for them. Under communication or non-communication is later regrettable, while those who use over communication rarely suffer emotional periods of regret.

5.) Eliminate all hurtful name calling
Our family loves to engage in playful name calling. Used properly, it is pretty affirming. Many of us have affectionate nicknames, don't we? Some of them even stay with us all of our lives, and that's okay. But hurtful name calling should have no place in our family vocabularies. Names that point out physical flaws like "Fatso" or "Scar face", or emotional flaws like "Mamma's Boy" or "Stupid" are inexcusable even if done in jest. The best rule of thumb is to simply eliminate potentially hurtful names completely.

The information in the article was adapted from the book Family Fragrance, authored by J. Otis & Gail Ledbetter.  It is included in our Family Starter Kit.  Click here for more information on what this kit contains.

Copyright 2007 Heritage Builders. All rights reserved.  You are free to make copies and distribute in its entirety.