Train Up a Child (part 1)

In his ancient book of sage wisdom -- Proverbs -- King Solomon penned what are perhaps the most frequently quoted words in all of Scripture with regard to the child rearing process. He said, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6). This passage is describing a principle we can embrace as we develop our theology of parenting. It is what we have labeled the Likelihood Principle.

The Likelihood Principle: In the context of healthy relationships, children tend to embrace the values of their parents.

The good news for us parents is that the odds are strongly in our favor! When cultivated properly, the natural tendency is for children to adopt the values we model and reinforce in their lives.

Several years ago, I attended a debate between two theologians. On one side was a liberal theologian and writer who saw God as a mystical, ever changing force rather than a perfect, never changing person. On the other side was a leading Christian apologist who was defending the orthodox view of God. Knowing the reputation of this particular apologist, I expected him to destroy the arguments of the liberal theologian -- demonstrating the intellectual superiority of orthodox Christianity. I was not disappointed. The arguments were strong. The debate was dominated by the orthodox view. The Truth prevailed once again!

The following day, I spoke to a coworker who had also attended the debate. "Wasn't it great? Our guy won the debate hands down! He showed just how silly the liberal view is."

After a long pause, my coworker made an interesting comment. "Yes, our guy presented the stronger case. But something troubles me."

"What?" I asked.

"Even though I had to agree with the orthodox view, I wanted to agree with the other gentleman."

I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Our guy seemed arrogant, rude, and harsh in his demeanor. The other guy was very gently, gracious, and kind. So, while the orthodox arguments may have been stronger, it is possible that many in the audience rejected them because they were turned off by the person presenting them. Our guy may have won the intellectual debate, but the other guy won the battle for the hearts of the audience. Which, I wonder, is more effective?"

That experience illustrated an important point. We are often drawn to accept the views of those we like and reject the views of those we dislike, regardless of who makes the strongest case. The key to convincing others to accept our values goes beyond articulating a strong argument. It requires building a strong relationship.

If the Likelihood Principle is going to work for us as parents, we must focus on relationship. It is easy to accept and embrace the beliefs of those we love and admire. It is quite difficult to accept and embrace the values of those we dislike or scarcely know. Thus, teaching values in the context of a loving, affirming relationship is highly effective. But to do so in the context of a distant or antagonistic relationship can do more harm than good.

Many children raised in a Christian home were given a solid spiritual legacy, but they rejected the values they were taught. Why? People reject the faith for many reasons. Quite often, it is because the relationship with Mom, Dad, or both was weak. Don't misunderstand. The children are responsible for their own decision to reject the faith.

The old adage is true: People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Our children need more than a list of precepts and principles to embrace. If we want the values we teach them to stick, we must apply heavy amounts of the glue called love. You cannot have one without the other. Children perceive parental instruction through emotional lenses. Those lenses are framed by the quality of the parent-child relationship. Yes, the odds are in our favor, and kids tend to adopt the values of their parents. But outside the context of strong relationship, the odds are not nearly as good as we might hope.

Adapted from Family Compass, authored by Kurt & Olivia Bruner 

Copyright 2007 Heritage Builders. All rights reserved.  You are free to make copies and distribute in its entirety.