The Secret Formula

Have you ever known one of those couples who has been blessed with terrific kids? You know the ones. They are the family you watch from afar, wondering how in the world they got so lucky, or did so well. It is almost as if they have discovered a secret formula for raising great kids.

We have been fortunate over the years to build relationships with some of those couples, watching over the long haul as they navigate the varied and perilous stages of parenthood. Their children have grown from little kids to young adults, and though imperfect, have turned out quite well. Many of them are approaching the end of the parenting journey, and are reaping the rewards of having done some things right. Let us give you a peek into what we've learned from these little known, greatly respected examples of parental success.

The Piersmas, a family of seven, had a major influence on my (Olivia) life as a teenager and young adult. Having come from a broken, troubled home, I had no model of what a healthy family could be. I befriended Darcee Piersma during junior high, and we remain best friends more than twenty years later. I spent as much time as possible at Darcee's house, partly to escape the conflict in my own home, and partly because I was in awe of what I observed there. Unlike my own home, Dad, Mom, and the kids actually seemed to enjoy one another. They loved unconditionally. They talked over the evening dinner table, and seemed to care about what the others were saying. They laughed together, played together, teased together, even took vacations together. Through the good and bad, they liked being together. Their enjoyment was almost contagious.

Decades later, the Piersmas still enjoy one another. They've been separated by distance as the kids have left home to start families of their own. The children have gone through struggles. Still, the close ties established early remain strong. The kids have embraced Dad and Mom's faith, even during an era in which Dad and Mom wavered themselves. We can't help but wonder, when so many families struggle just to survive, what "secret formula" helped the Piersma family thrive?

If you ask Mike and Terri Beidermann to tell you about their four teenagers, be prepared for an extensive bragging session. They are proud of their kids, as they should be. Though by no means perfect, the Beidermann children reflect the love and investment of diligent, intentional parents. They have good morals, manners, discipline, and a healthy dose of success. They also have questions, struggles, failures, and a healthy dose of opposition to what their parents believe. But they continue to believe. They embrace the faith and values modeled by Mom and Dad even when it is unpopular to do so. Once again, the "secret formula" has worked wonders.

What is this "secret formula" for successfully passing our values to the next generation? What is the common thread between these homes that seem to have beaten the odds in the parenting process? As we've watched over the years, we have seen the same important ingredient. The specific tone and makeup of each family varies, but the "secret formula" is the same. Every one of these couples discovered and mastered the art of enjoying their children, and allowing their children to enjoy them. Put simply, they had fun together!

Observing the Piersmas, the Beidermanns, and other families has convinced us that laughter and fun are incredibly powerful tools in the process of passing values.

When I (Kurt) spend time wrestling with our boys in the basement, I have done more to make our values stick than when I read them a Bible passage. Both are important, but the former makes the latter more meaningful.

When I (Olivia) play a round of "Go Fish" with six-year old Shaun, he learns to enjoy me as a person, not merely obey me as a parent. Again, both are important, but the former makes the latter easier to swallow.

Everyone has the right to speak. We must earn the right to be listened to. As parents, we must realize that when we play with our kids today we are earning the right to shape their values tomorrow. Remember that they are more likely to embrace the values of someone they love and enjoy than someone they don't. So let's adopt the secret formula that seems to have worked so well for so many parents. Let's have fun with our kids!

The Heritage Builders book Family Fragrance is an excellent resource to help you get those good times rolling. It includes ideas on how to have fun and how to build a foundation for strong relationships. It is filled with creative suggestions on how to foster an aroma of love in your family, establishing the best possible environment for teaching values and making them stick. This book is included in our Family Starter Kit. Click here for more information what this kit contains.

Adapted from Family Compass, authored by Kurt & Olivia Bruner 

Copyright 2007 Heritage Builders. All rights reserved.  You are free to make copies and distribute in its entirety.